Not sure where to start this.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 9, and we have 6 year old twin boys together. I can honestly say he’s the love of my life and our marriage/relationship has always been very strong.
I made the discovery at the start of December, but I decided to put it on hold until Christmas/New Years was done and the boys was back in school. I just didn’t have the mental/emotional energy to deal with this along with the holidays.
I found out when I was downstairs watching Netflix while he was upstairs about to take a quick shower and come join me. He shouted out for me to put a towel and some night clothes on our bed for when he gets out as he’d forgotten to. As I enter our bedroom with the stuff, I see his phone charging on the side desk lighting up with messages, and so, naturally I pick it up to see who’s texting, and it’s his friend (who we’ll call David) David. I read the text and I won’t go into details, but it was so highly charged at my expense that I was shocked upon belief. Now feeling like I need to know everything, I put in his passcode and go through all his messaging apps to see if I can find more of what he’s been doing with David. I quickly go through his apps and discover that WhatsApp is their chosen place to grossly violate my rights. I’m sure they’ve used other apps like Snapchat that automatically deletes chats, but I can only speculate.
I go through all their messages together, and from what I could tell it’s been going on since June/July 2017. Many of the texts were of David and my husband discussing me. David telling my husband things he’d do to me. My husband telling him everything about our love making, and even things like the first time we did it. They’d text about what underwear I’m wearing to if I’ve shaved or not. The grossest thing was when I viewed all of the personal pictures I sent to my husband was also sent to David. And I mean literally everything from even silly little selfies I’d send my husband would also be shared with David. From what I could tell there’s been many instances where my husband has let David listen in on the phone while we were making love.
I can’t explain the way I felt other than it was a mix of, shame, embarrassment, betrayal, disgusted, used, shocked, and majorly confused.
I quickly banged on the bathroom door and confronted him straight away. I was meet with him looking completely shell shocked, and denying everything. He grabbed the phone out my hands and tried to argue about me snooping through his personal conversations, but that only lasted a couple of minutes before he broke down asking for forgiveness. He wasn’t crying, but I could feel he was being genuine with his apologising. We didn’t really have a conversation either, but more of a emotional argument with him just sitting on the bed saying nothing looking like he has PTSD. It was so hard to scream because of our boys being in the next room, and it was too emotional to try and have a grown up conversation with him, so it ended when I threw him out our room to sleep downstairs.
I slept probably 2 hours the whole night, and when I finally feel asleep I was awoken by him at 5am asking me to forgive him and forget it all. At that point in time I couldn’t allow myself to even look at him without wanting to physically punch him in the face (something I’ve never wanted to do to anyone in my entire life). We tried to talk about it with the most piece of information out of him being “I can’t explain exactly why I did it”. We stopped talking once the boys were up and I just said we’ll talk when the time is right.
I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him for 2 weeks, but I slowly allowed him back in. We had small conversations about it, but agreed to leave it until 2019 fully kicks off, so we can deal with it then. We haven’t had sex since I found out, and every time he tries to initiate something sexual I just can’t stomach him. I have kissed him, told him I love him, and cuddled a couple of times though.
One of the things I can’t get over is how David has been coming to our home all this time, and all the while knowing everything Intimate about me. I’ve truthfully never really enjoyed David’s company. He’s very obnoxious, loud, show off, and can be very rude. He has always been very flirty with me, which has always made me dislike him even more, and with my now knowledge, I just feel disgusted with him. Him and my husband have been friends for 7-8 years. Wouldn’t call them best friends, but they do (now will never) hang out regularly.
Anyway, how do I deal with him? As much as I’m disgusted with my husband I still love him, so divorce is off the table. How do I deal with this violation that I feel constantly now? How do I bring this up with my husband in a mature way in order for us to move on?
Thank you if you read my problem. I can’t speak to anyone I know about this, so giving my last look for advice to the internet.