I don’t even know what to do or who to speak to, so I am coming here.
I got an offer to move into my sisters apartment, they had a spare room. She was living with her boyfriend, Nikos,. They sort of needed me to move in, they couldn’t afford rent and I outearned both of them so I ended up paying way more than them in terms of rent. I was fine with that, it was fun being with my sister.
I had a problem, one which I couldn’t really contain. Nikos was hot. Like, really hot. He had a sort of celebrity look and was shirtless around the house and had a great, lean muscular hairy body which I found irresistible. He was VERY open when it came to wearing nothing, he slept with no clothes, he would often walk from his bedroom to the bathroom without clothes, meaning I saw him without clothes a lot, he didn’t even look embarrassed, he just thought of it as normal.
One time he walked in on me changing my bra and didn’t even flinch. The problem was, seeing him like that made me find him even more irresistible. After 4 months of being there, it got to the point where I just found him to be too attractive, even him being in the same room as me got me hot.
And I hated myself for these feelings, because I felt terrible for my sister. For two reasons, actually. Obvious guilt over my being attracted to him, and also the fact that he was kind of a terrible boyfriend. He openly flirted with other girls, including me, in front of her. He did bad things and he lied and acted like her feelings didn’t matter.
Last night we all got drunk, and they got into a BIG fight. I went to the living room and laid down and watched TV for a bit, and they fought in the main room. Then she went to sleep, and he came over, in just his boxers, and sat down, really drunk, and watched TV with me. He complained to me that he didn’t know if he can stay with my sister anymore, and that they were fighting too much. We talked, and then at one point he just reached forward and kissed me. I was so drunk and at the time horny for him that I just sort of let it happen. The thought of this turning out to be bad didn’t even go through my mind. Maybe within a solid minute of him kissing me, he was pulling down his boxers and then we were having sex.
It was over in the span of maybe 2-3 minutes. We both came. It was 4 months of intense sexual tension exploding at once for me, I couldn’t even describe it, it was like my dreams had come true. Except in the worst possible way. I hate myself for being so happy that it was finally happening, not even thinking about my sister at the time. We finished, and it was like very suddenly a wave of horror and regret at what we had done washed over us. He told me he was sorry, and that he had wanted to do that for a really long time, and I said the same thing. We both agreed to not speak of it ever again, and that this wont happen ever again. He went to bed.
Today, he went to work, then went out with his friends, and only just got back. I am literally petrified, filled with regret at what I have done. I cant even look my sister in the eye. A big part of me hopes that he will just leave her, and then this will be a thing of the past.
Another part that I hate, is that I know that I will never forget how good it felt. I have only slept with 3 other men in my life at 27 years old, him being the third. The other two times, i didn’t even enjoy it very much. I am overweight and have always had trouble with men. I hate the fact that I am likely going to be fantasizing about that moment, that horrible, regret filled moment, for the oncoming future.
And my sister… ugh. I feel horrible. She doesn’t deserve this. I am a bad sister who has always been in her shadow, when we were in our teens she was hot and pretty and I was ugly and fat, and now I did this horribly shitty thing out of pure desperation and I feel like a pathetic person striking out at someone who has been more successful than me at life. I didn’t do it to hurt her obviously, but I just hate that my faults, me being so desperate and being attracted to her boyfriend, are going to hurt her regardless.